


Five Times Coulson Deadpanned Himself Out Of A Situation And One Time He Lost It

by Loolph



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Awesome Phil Coulson, Bets & Wagers, But only a little, Ficlet, Inappropriate Humor, Multi, One Shot, Other, Phil Coulson's Pan Is So Dead, Trolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 05:26:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10690671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loolph/pseuds/Loolph
Summary: From: nfury@shield.govTo: pcoulson@shield.govSubject: You motherf*cker, I’m impressed.Did you just trolled the entire Avenger’s team, Cheese?! Because, I witnessed you eating bacon, like it's some kind of superfood or cure for cancer. And you couldn’t spell Bulgaria, even with a compass and a map. You can come and collect the 20 bucks I owe you anytime, I forfeit. And you can tell me about Stark’s face over drinks - I’m buying.N.__Best regards,Nicolas FuryDirectorS.H.I.E.L.D.





	Five Times Coulson Deadpanned Himself Out Of A Situation And One Time He Lost It

1.

“Whatchya listening to, Agent Agent?” Tony Stark asked all of the sudden, smirking viciously, his feet placed carelessly on the edge of the conference table.

“Kabuki play in original Japanese?” He was bored and looking for some fun.

Coulson ignored him, headphones in place.

“Bach's Air on the G String? White noise?” Starks’ voice traveled well over the heads of gathered people, gaining attention.

The agent still didn’t react, head bowed down over documentation.

“Pope’s latest encyclicals?” Tony was clearly trying to come up with the most boring thing in the world, suggesting that is what Coulson was. Since he didn’t seem to rile the man up, he lost interest and absentmindedly took a big sip of coffee.

That’s when Phil chose to speak.

“Gay porn actually, Mr Stark. It calms me down.” His eyes were focused on annoying man instantly.

The answering spray of liquid over the table top was epic. The crack of the entire room full of people over Iron Man’s chocking and Dr Banner’s back slapping that followed was even better.

 

2.

“Will you be joining us for dinner, Agent Coulson?” Dr Banner’s polite question hung in Coulson’s office for a moment, like an afterthought.

Phil clearly heard, but his eyes never left a staggering amount of paperwork, balancing hazardously on the edge of the desk.

“We would love to have you at the Tower. Come around 8?” The rest of the team stared expectantly, standing in a doorway.

Coulson blinked in surprise.

“Thank you for the invitation, Doctor Banner. What will you be having?” The agent answered, seemingly pleased.

“I’ll be doing all the cooking, actually. Indian.” The scientist shrugged, self-deprecatory smile on his lips.

“Any dietary restrictions I should know about?” Again, a comment like reconsideration.

“If it won’t be too much trouble? I’d love mine option to be vegan.” The agent’s comment seemed apologetic but hopeful.

Dr Banner just stood there, unblinking, as the Avengers froze mid sentence. >>Vegan?<< mouthed Steve Rogers, curious. The collective shoulder and eyebrow raise throughout the group was impressive.

 

3.

“What is that smell?” Captain Rogers looked around the gym locker room, sniffing.

“Agent Coulson, can you help me out? You can scent it too, don’t you?” The handsome face squinted in the effort of recognition.

Phil just shifted his stance and had sit on the bench to tie his workout snickers.

“Which smell are we talking here about, Captain?” He asked, distractedly, as he took pity on madly inhaling man.

“It’s like pleasant soap, but manly.” Steve tried to describe what he detected, not paying attention to his movements, eyes closed in concentration.

Agent stiffened on the spot, fingers still tangled in shoelaces.

“Or like walking in a market full of spices, the old kind?” Captain America blindly following his nose as he spoke, abruptly found himself sniffing Coulson’s neck.

“That would be my cologne, Rogers.” The delivery of the comment was as flat as the bench they were sitting on, way too close for comfort at the moment.

The super soldier’s cheeks turned pink and grew even redder under unflappable stare of the agent. He shifted back at the sight of Natasha Romanoff smirking in the doorway. Coulson just stood up, locked his locker and left, leaving Steve to quietly face palm himself.

 

4.

“Are you reading a transcript from our last mission, sir?” The quiet woman’s voice pulled Coulson out of his focus. He lifted his head.

“Are you reading it in Cyrillic?” Natasha Romanoff stood next to his cafeteria table, holding a full tray, her eyes fixed on the paper, head tilted.

Phil chewed his food and swallowed quickly. He made an inviting gesture towards an empty chair.

“I didn’t think you knew Russian, agent Coulson.” The woman had took it gracefully, siting down with a little sigh and putting her lunch down in front of her.

The agent shook himself out of bewilderment, covering the movement with placing the fork down.

“I don’t. Actually, this text is in Bulgarian.” He said, cautiously.

He was rewarded with an assessing twinkle in the Romanoff’s eye and a full blow squawk of amazement from passing by and obviously eavesdropping Clint Barton. The sight of the latter’s ear being snapped by the former was fun, too.

 

5.

“So, I was thinking. You. Me. Coffee. Now.” Clint Barton’s voice carried through a corridor, even around a corner. The woman’s laughter followed.

“Come on, girl. You know, you wanna. It’s gonna be fun.” The distinct tones of whining meant puppy dog eyes were in full blow display, to no results at all. SHIELD women were immune.

Coulson frowned to himself, deciding to interfere and rescue another intern from further harassment.

“Whadaya say, babe? It’ll be good for ya.” The archer continued pleading to young female agent, while walking backwards.

Phil just stood his ground, waiting. All the 20/20 vision in the world won’t help, if you’re not using your eyes, so Barton just walked into Coulson, tripping and almost falling in awe.

The agent held out his hands, to break Clint’s fall in an instinct reaction. But once the archer had found his feet under him, he still just sort off clung to Coulson, standing breathless and unblinking.

“If you’re done feeling me up, Barton? Carry on.” An exasperated sigh was all the comment that the agent gave to the entire debacle.

The younger man’s arms shrunk back from Phil’s sides in an instance, like the agent was suddenly too hot to touch. Coulson went his way towards waiting Thor and completely missed the consternation, eureka and decision that had flew across the archer’s face in fast progression.

  
+1

“Son of Coul! It is good to see you again!” The god of thunder boomed his greeting.

“Let me have another Midgardian custom of a hug!” In a normal aircraft’s cabin, his voice would be overwhelming, but it was a big jet.

Phil and Clint were sitting in the back of the plane, next to each other. They were sharing earphones and definitely spacing out, so they missed all the pleasantries the rest of the team already got.

“Welcome home, Son of Coul.” Thor exclaimed over the dosing men, unceremoniously picking Phil up by the shoulders and squeezing him in his arms. Clint jumped in a fight response out of instinct, yanking the headphone’s cable out of the iPhone’s jack port on his lap.

>>Oh, god, babe. Harder. I want your cock in my ass. Now. I’m ready. Please. Just fuck me already.<<

A very male voice, being distinctively pleasured by another man, judging from low grunting in a background, pleaded loudly throughout the speaker.

Entire Avenger’s assembly stilted, deer caught in a headlight expressions everywhere, Tony Stark chocking on something again.

Their faces.

Coulson’s carefree burst of laughter, raging loudly over his shoulder, startled even Thor.

**Author's Note:**

> My work college I share an office with, was annoying for last two days straight.  
> I finally had a couple of hours in a room by myself and this text is what happened to me.  
> Who needs therapy, if you have AO3, right?  
> I don't even know anymore...


End file.
